Fuuh! I can’t even right now, with your colossal fuck-uppery.

Dear Verizon, and HTC

I hate your actual guts. Both of you bastards have driven me to drink. On a fucking Tuesday afternoon. Tuesday! What the actual fuck is the Verizon Cloud? Where are my goddamned files and contacts??? The only thing that’s easy about using this back-up service you provide is losing my shit. Sure, I can manually enter my contacts, but how am I supposed to recover the 300 photos of my cat? 100 selfies? And eleventy hundred photos of my family? Oh! And HTC, you’re the fuckest-uppest. My phone keeps telling me I don’t have a SIM card installed. I can see the motherfucker in its slot! So what the actual fuck goes on during assembly there in Taifuckingwan? I can’t send a simple text message to my daughter telling her how much I hate your actual guts! I can’t make a phone call!

All of you motherfuckers don’t know me. You don’t know how quickly I go from 0-fuck you. I’ve already destroyed my old phone trying to get to its insides. See, the Verizon Cloud needs me to use my new phone to scan a goddamned QR number on my old phone in order to transfer my files and contacts. And the information will not scan!

Fuck you all so hard in the butthole. I hate you.

Eat shit,

Kindra M. Austin

 

 

 

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36 thoughts on “Fuuh! I can’t even right now, with your colossal fuck-uppery.

  1. Dear Mrs. Austin,

    We’re having a hard time understanding your request. We understand that you feel angry, but we’re not sure what to do. Should we close down our Taiwan factory? Buy you a new cat to take new pictures of? Selfies for you to scan? Daughters for you to text to?

    Sincerely disturbed by the speed with which you resort to phone masochism,

    -VerizonTC.

    PS: the cloud knows all: you cannot hide from the cloud. It sees you, your every thought, your ever blog post. Soon, it shall assimilate your children. Resistance is futile.

    PPS: a new cat is free on your plan, but will require you to renew your contract. At a 4,000% price increase.

    PPPS: thank you for shopping with Verizon!

    PPPPS: we don’t have a soul, much less a butthole. We’re a corporation. We feed on you, and aren’t interested in sex, only your wallet.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hahahahahaha! This is too close to reality.

      4,000% !!!!

      To be fair, I should say that the kind gentleman in Indiana gave me four free gigs. Because he couldn’t resist my winning personality. Or he was just doing his job. Whatever.

      PS: You kill me, Gregory Stackpole–you’re so fucking funny! 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well…. I have an HTC One. When they took my nexus 6 and made me use that cloud service, I wasn’t expecting it. But they made sure everything transferred correctly before they took my old phone. Granted, I had mine activated in store, so they did the legwork for me, otherwise I know I would have screwed up. Maybe you were given a faulty one? Deep breaths. 💕💕 But I love your rant.

    Liked by 1 person

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