The Trouble With Fuck Faces: part one

Fuck faces are everywhere–you know, those special groups of people who’ve been slugged in the face with a heavy bag full of fuck, and they’ve allowed that fuck to fuck up their lives forever. Their sole purpose becomes spreading the disease. They’re similar to dickheads, who run around hitting people with bags of dicks for shits and giggles.

“I’m a fuck face, so to hell with politeness.”

So. I was in Taco Bell with my daughter, step-son, and husband on Mother’s Day. We had stopped for a quick bite of diarrhea burritos on our way to see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.Β Some dude who’d come in after us thunder butt marched up to the counter and shouted, “Excuse me! Let me ask you all a question. Were my taco shells smashed to fuck when you made them, or did you purposefully smash the shit out of them when you put them on the tray?”

Dude! Slow your roll. There are little kids in here.Β 

Even my mother, who drove drunk with my sister and me ALL THE TIME didn’t stand for people cussing in front of children. Once, she took us to a diner at 2:30 in the morning for dinner, drunk off her ass. It was packed with other drunk bastards, and they were loud, laughing and cussing like mad. My mother stood up, and shouted, “Would you all shut the fuck up?! I’ve got my kids in here!” They’d given her the stink eye, but they fell silent. For one full second.

Yesterday, I allowed some prick to go ahead of me at the grocery Q. Because sometimes I like to make an example of poorly behaved adults. He was in a huff because an elderly woman was writing a check, and taking her dear sweet time about it. I said, “You can go ahead of me, being that your time is so goddamned precious.” The fuck face didn’t even thank me.

Gawd, I loathe precious fuck faces the most, I think. Especially ones that ride up on your ass. Bitch, I will hit the brakes, fucking dare me.

Oh, dear. What if I’m a fuck face, too?

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44 thoughts on “The Trouble With Fuck Faces: part one

  1. Pingback: The Trouble With Fuck Faces: part two | Kindra M. Austin

  2. Sassy! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ I love it ❀ ❀ I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with arseholes like this, but I’m so relieved for you that you got to vent about it (and quite well, I might add!) πŸ™‚
    Girl, I’m right there with you πŸ™‚ Seriously, the word fuck-face comes out of my mouth (or at least my brain’s mouth) at least several times a day. And it’s usually in reference to the same fuck-faces you refer to as fuck-faces. Because they *are* indeed fuck-faces πŸ˜‰
    OMG the tail-gaters!! Yep, when someone rides my ass on the freeway (seriously–to the point where I can’t even see their headlights in my rearview mirror!!) then I will gently tap my brakes first, just enough to turn the brakelights on. Sometimes the tailgating fuck-face gets the message and backs off, or gets around me (I don’t drive in the passing lane unless I’m, well, passing πŸ™‚ ). But other times, they don’t get the clue. So then, I tap/hit the brakes a second time, a little harder but not too hard, to let them know I mean business.
    And if *that* doesn’t work, then, a good half-minute later, I will suddenly JAM on the brakes as hard as I can. I don’t bring the truck to a stop or anything, but it’s a good solid slam on the brakes. I did this on one of those cloverleaf interchanges on the freeway, and the fuck-face had to jam on his brakes while swerving to miss my truck’s ass, and he had to swerve so hard he almost hit the guard rail (there isn’t much room for error on those interchanges; they’re pretty narrow!) … and although he got on the same freeway I did, he never. Came. Near. Me. After. That. :))
    I don’t always advocate that, and I definitely don’t make a habit of doing that, but that was a Special Case. That fuck-face was a special case, too, and I’m relatively certain (or at least hoping!) that he learned a little lesson that day. ❀
    You, my dear, are not a fuck-face; anyone who calls a fuck-face a fuck-face is not a fuck-face themselves. πŸ™‚
    This was a fun/cathartic post to read!! Thank you for writing it! Can’t wait for Part 2 πŸ™‚ ❀

    Liked by 2 people

  3. DUDE, I swear we must have been separated at birth. Spooky is right on all fronts. If you have to ask yourself if you’re a fuck face, then you aren’t one. I love you Kindra, you make me laugh πŸ‘β€

    Liked by 3 people

  4. You make ME laugh.
    I forgot the Flirty Inappropriate Fuck Face. FIFF thinks he’s gawd’s gift to everyone. He peacocks a lot, shows his teeth a lot, rubs up against folk in an inappropriate way a lot. He’s a coquette, a sleazy pervert, a eyelash fluttering, lip licking Fuck Face. He can also be a Female Fuck Face.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Ha! The biggest trouble with fuck faces is that they don’t realise they’re fuck faces.

    I see them all the time at work. They come in a few different flavours.

    The Impatient Fuckface
    The Fuckface Who’s Not As Funny As He Thinks He Is
    The Complaining Swearing Fuckface
    and
    The Recently Divorced Bitter & Twisted Fuckface

    I’ve known all of the above.

    Ps. You are the least fuck facey person I’ve never met. As a rule, Fuckfaces don’t make laugh or cry (in a good way). I don’t love many Fuckfaces.

    Liked by 4 people

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