Intermittent Bullshit

courtship5

You were goddamned gorgeous, and a fucking conundrum, my mother. When I think of all the men in your life who’d tried to solve your riddles, I laugh. The relics of those men inhabit a corner in the catacombs of my heart. I don’t want them, but each one retains a precious part of you, so there they shall remain. Yes, I’ll keep those tokens to remind me that I never want to be like you—insecure.

You’d always believed you required a man’s love in order to be completely happy. From the depths of my being, I am so sorry you’d lived your life on the cusp of a chasm so black. I wish you had known your true self through the eyes of your daughters; and I don’t understand why Tara and I weren’t reasons enough for you to be content.

I’m angry tonight—angry about your failures as a mother. And I’m pissed off at myself for even thinking about all of the men you’d put in front of me and my sister. You’re fucking dead—anger is a waste of my energy. What kills me is that I’d believed this shit was behind me. I’d forgiven you a long time ago. So why am I reflecting on my adolescence all over again?

Maybe forgiveness is infinitely intermittent, and real acceptance is bullshit.

 

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35 thoughts on “Intermittent Bullshit

  1. “Maybe forgiveness is infinitely intermittent, and real acceptance is bullshit.”

    Ohhhh myyyyy GOD! I love the fabulous wording at the end! It’s perfection!! It’s raw, it’s real … it’s the fucking truth!! Awesome! xo ~Stephanie (JuSteph4All)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Because we’re human and that shit is floating around in our bloodstream, forever, no matter how much we have dealt with it. I’m sorry you are reliving painful events. It happened to me, as I talked on the phone with my daughter last night. We can process, go to therapy, put everything in it’s place, but it doesn’t erase it. You will have peaceful days too my friend, I promise… I love you ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Purge the poison before the wound closes… if every parent’s wish is that their progeny travel the path of life Bigger, Better and Badder – not to worry – Kendra, you got this!! Please don’t lose your way, you’re too talented to let anything ruin the party. PEACE. You need to MAKE it – with yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

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